Contributing Writer
Dr. Sabrina Anderson
Emotional Intelligence
There was a Supervisor, once upon a time, who lost all self-control in a fit of rage. It was a large, open office space with only ¾-high walls for cubby spaces—and seventy employees.
For several months, this new set of employees would laugh boisterously together over one thing or another, as they were all friends. Well, Miss Supervisor had enough. She marched over to them and proceeded to yell at the group that “people are actually working here, and you all have to stop!” She was red in the face and actually shaking. Now there was some real anger and rage…over loud laughing.
The reactions of the group included being stunned, then hurt and then afraid of her. They all distanced themselves and eliminated her from conversations or from seeking assistance from her.
The lesson she taught (or at least what the employees heard): ya’ll are plumb idiots because you should’ve known this is a big, open space. We are serious employees and your loud laughing is on my last nerve.
We can all agree that she felt the rage—and her employees heard it. But they were left guessing what she really meant. Did she mean they were not working because they were laughing? Or did she mean, “I am about to fire the lot of you?” Emotional intelligence matters in leadership. When self-control is lost, trust and psychological safety take a hit; the impact can be as minor as being left out, or as severe as being ignored altogether.
When employees or friends respond in those ways, it is often because they have been taught to.
Emotional intelligence is not “being nice” or pretending you are not frustrated. It is the skill of noticing what is happening inside you, choosing a response that matches your values, and protecting relationships while still holding standards. In the story above, the volume of the laughter was the surface issue, but the real damage came from how the message was delivered.
When leaders react with intensity, people don’t just hear the correction—they feel unsafe, embarrassed, and uncertain about what might trigger the next outburst. Over time that creates avoidance: fewer questions, less collaboration, and less trust. A calm boundary, stated early and consistently, protects everyone’s energy and keeps expectations clear. The goal is simple: address the behavior without attacking the people, and lead in a way that leaves the room more regulated than when you entered it.
Here is where I would like to introduce you to a formula set for healthy emotional intelligence.
Notice > Pause > Choose > Communicate > Follow Through.
1- Self-awareness
- Name it (rage) to tame it (address problems sooner)
2- Self-regulation
- When you see and feel things rubbing you the wrong way, acknowledge that and think about your reaction
3- Self-motivation
- Stay consistent by always addressing smoke right away, not letting the fire become out of control
4- Empathy with communication and boundaries
- Speak with people privately and not through mass emails or large room shoutouts
These skills show up most clearly when we set boundaries.
When you do lose control, be accountable quickly—with an apology and genuinely changed behavior. Boundaries sit at the intersection of self-awareness, social skills, and emotional regulation. They are the ability to clearly define what acceptable behavior is, communicate it calmly and consistently, and follow through. This is not about controlling others; it is about communicating your limits.
With clear expectations, respect increases and emotional energy is protected.
Without clear expectations, resentment grows, burnout increases, and the approach becomes imbalanced.
Boundary types that we should highlight here are:
Time – protect your schedule and energy
Emotion – “I can support you, but I cannot solve this for you”
Overload prevention – deal with situations as they come up
Communication – “I am happy to discuss this but not with yelling”
Boundaries are not hard because of skill. They are hard because of fear of conflict, fear of rejection, and poor identity habits.
Follow through
A boundary is not real without follow through. Train these skills like a muscle. Take a 90-second reset/stop, breathe and wait before responding.
So, if you say, “don’t be so loud laughing, we can hear you across the room!” But, two weeks later, you are seen and heard having a loud, fun conversation from the doorway of your office, to a person four rows over, then you have trained people to ignore your boundary and your emotional intelligence has lost credibility.
In closing, consistency matters over intensity. People do not respect unclear limits. They respect what you consistently enforce. Clear is kind while vague creates stress. Picture a lovely crystal drinking glass. This is your reminder that clear is kind and emotionally intelligent.
Dr. Sabrina Anderson
_______________________
Dr. Sabrina Anderson lives on
Pine Island in Southwest Florida.
DrSabrinaAnderson@outlook. com
